HUMOR: Pre-Med Students Put on Endangered Species List

By Mai Tran, Contributing Writer

A new census of pre-med students has shown that a species once listed under vulnerable has now been moved to the endangered level — right between borneo pygmy elephants and pandas. Perhaps the only species not on the list because of global warming or human expansion, pre-med students are being felled by the MCAT, organic chemistry and physics.

On the first day of Professor Kemp’s organic chemistry class, students went around and said their names, grades and majors. Kemp had a sinking feeling when the class was finished.

“I used to have a whole room of pre-med students, but now everyone wants to do bio-

engineering or save the environment,” Kemp said. “What about our own mortality? Millennials can’t do anything even mildly difficult,” he said while wiping prescription glasses for his 20/70 vision, a result of having read too many case studies as a graduate student.

A committee, Peace for Pre-meds (or PFP), was created by President Andrew Hamilton to brainstorm ideas for pre-med conservation. The board consists of six professors and one student plucked from the Bobst jungle, specifically the North Reading Rooms.

Hamilton sent out the committee’s plan in a school-wide email, which no one read.

“The first step is to set-up a pre-med reserve, which will be located on the Silver 10th floor,” Hamilton wrote. “It will be a safe space closed off to tiger moms and will feature UV lights optimal for studying and pulling all-nighters. There will also be pictures of newborn babies, bald teenagers and inspirational strips of money hung on the walls.”

The PFP board member was unavailable for comment as he had a physics midterm in two weeks.

Email Mai Tran at [email protected]