HUMOR: To Reduce School Shootings, United States to Cancel School Forever

John McCain blows a raspberry on the Senate floor

In light of the huge spike in school shootings in recent years, Washington has finally decided to take action.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders made an announcement this morning.

“All of these school shootings have one key factor in common: schools.”

She went on to detail Congress’s sweeping gun reform bill which seeks to ban schools.


“If there’s no school, there’s no school shootings. It’s that simple,” Huckabee said.

Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell goes on to detail how when they banned costumes, movie theater shootings decreased, so it only makes sense that they can have the same success with the reduction of school shootings. On top of this, the government will save over $107 billion of tax expenditures originally allocated for education to be spent on more useful ventures, such as military, private jets or Trump’s lawsuit settlements.

There is already support throughout both houses of Congress, and it seems likely that it will pass by the end of the week.

Arizona Senator John McCain is one of the few that spoke against the bill. He reportedly went on the Senate floor, pulled his pants down and made raspberry noises for seven hours in an attempt to filibuster the bill. McCain’s attempts were in vain however, as his filibuster came to an abrupt end when Senator Lindsay Graham threw a can of his “Gramma’s Fresh Peach Tea” at McCain’s head.

Due to the overwhelming support of the bill, Congress is also drafting a bill to make Chicago illegal in order to decrease the country’s murder rates.

School is set to be banned in Jan. 2018.

Email David Scherker at [email protected]



Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here