Off-Third is WSN’s satire column.

One blustery morning, I was sashaying through Greenwich Village from my usual thrift spot with my trusty Labubu dangling by my wallet chain and 18 keys, my oily mullet flowing luxuriously in the wind, when I came across a threatening sight. A Women-hating phony fake feminist, sauntering sexistly down the street in his thrifted Chelsea boots. His hand-distressed Strand tote bag had nowhere near the fading quality mine does, not to mention the dull luster of his septum piercing compared to the polished shine of my own. 

In his hand, he held an initially unrecognizable book — unrecognizable because it was upside down, clearly a sign that his mind was struggling to understand the deeply complex feminist ideology of what I eventually deciphered as a copy of, “She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman” by Ian Kerner.

Putting down the pile of Clairo CDs I’ve stockpiled for distribution, I began to investigate this unheard-of phenomenon on Instagram Reels. I uncovered a strange genre of videos displaying something called “the performative man” — a new form of patriarchy that disparages feminism and the powerful Women who inspire me everyday. 

Seeing such an effort put into appearing to be a feminist ally such as myself shook me to my core. That night, I put in a busy shift of walking Women back to their dorms while practicing radical listening — a practice made annoyingly difficult by the fact that I was also trying to annotate my copy of the transcendental classic, “She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman,” but kept getting distracted by some antifeminist talking at my ear to drown out my feminist self-education. Kerner’s words sparked a deep reflection in my mind about the perilous plight of Women, making me reflect on my deeply ingrained feminist values and made me harken back to the dark days when allies like myself were scarce in the prime era of “Big Sexism Inc.” 

These videos of performative males featured predators doing house work in perfectly curated lighting conditions, adorned in wired headphones while reading feminist theory in local coffee shops, but always for some reason at the beginning of the book, or using tote bags to thrift various antique crystal lamps and used copies of “She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.” 

Because of my tireless crusade for gender equality, I instantly knew why the online masses were laughing at what should be revolutionary work. These manchildren simply aren’t built different in the way that’s required to be a true supporter of Women’s rights and wrongs, unlike me, of course. Each of these actions I proudly partook in before they were ever typecast as a trend, and — while technically unrelated — it needs to be said that I would willingly take on the menstrual pains of every Woman in the world if it meant getting rid of these harmful performative males.

Laughing at the “performative men” of the world turns my solidarity into spectacle and conviction into costume. You think I’m joking, but I’m not. You think this is a joke? This is not a joke. 

To the little boys reading this: Throw away your protein powders, unsubscribe from your fantasy leagues and instead, commit yourself to the slow, unglamorous labor of change — carry your Dr. Martens loafers proudly, annotate your bell hooks in the margins with glitter gel pens and conviction, and go forth to explain your equally valid understanding of feminism to the masses with the same fervor of the Twelve Apostles. There is nothing a Woman appreciates more than when an ally explains, in depth, how much he gets what she’s going through. 

While others mock and scroll, I will be waiting faithfully in my thrifted vintage upscaled self-bedazzled corduroy Carhartt jacket, stockpiling feminine hygiene products for a rainy day and chugging oatmilk matchas in Mason jars by the carload. History may not remember my name, but I will remember every single Woman throughout history.

WSN’s Opinion desk strives to publish ideas worth discussing. The views presented in the Opinion desk are solely the views of the writer.