Off-Third is WSN’s satire section.

Though NYU’s Welcome Week always begins with a speech from President Andrew Hamilton, this year was a little different than the rest. In his address to the new first-year students at Radio City Music Hall on Aug. 26, Hamilton strayed from his usual repertoire of quips and statistics, choosing instead to describe NYU as “f-cking lit.”

“This is our most diverse freshman class since our school was founded,” Hamilton told the first-years. “We have 800 students from Orange County, over 1,000 students from Long Island and 19 students from Detroit. That’s f-cking lit!”

Hamilton’s comments were well-received by a small group of students. “I’ve been at every Presidential Welcome since I was a freshman, and he’s never done anything like this,” Welcome Week leader Grant Mason said. “I’m here for it, though.”

However, not all students were impressed with Hamilton’s remarks. In a poll conducted in the popular Facebook group “NYU Memes for Slightly Bankrupt Teens,” 83% of students who responded said that the president’s comments constituted “shilling.”

When questioned about his particular choice of words, Hamilton doubled down. “NYU is f-cking lit,” he told WSN over FaceTime. “Lady Gaga went here, and she’s f-cking lit. The gay rights movement started right here, and gay people are f-cking lit.” However, when asked if he thought that 19 students was a sufficient representation of Detroit’s lower-income community, Hamilton declined to comment.

Though many students were disillusioned by Hamilton’s comments, many were undeterred. 

“Honestly, I don’t really care if he’s pandering to us. He can do whatever he wants. I’m just here to get my degree and go,” Stern first-year Glenn Nathanson said. “I was more surprised that he’s British.”

Hamilton will be holding a town hall to address accusations of pandering on Sept. 15 at the Skirball Center for the Performing Arts. The event, called “That’s the Tea, Sis,” will be moderated by university spokesperson John Beckman. There will be free t-shirts.

Off-Third is WSN’s satire section. Try not to take us too seriously.

This article is satirical, and all quotes and events are entirely fabricated.

Email Abby Hofstetter at [email protected].