Spring break is over and Hot Girl Summer is approaching fast. This can only mean one thing: Relationships once filled with proclamations of happily-ever-after will break down as dramatically as you did in Miami after too many White Claws. The endings of relationships mean heartbreaks. At NYU, this means crying your eyes out on the W train. And if you haven’t gone through a gut-wrenching heartbreak with your sorrows drowned in Taki dust and prosecco, just you wait. To either console you or prepare you for the heartbreaks you have gone or will go through, here are five archetypes of NYU students who will break your heart by senior year.
5. The Extremely Burnt Out Club Promoter
You’ve been on and off with this promoter since he followed you on Instagram during your first year. He’s only doing this to support his dream of becoming the next Deadmau5. You grin and bear it, despite his lackluster, sometimes severely off-beat samples, even visiting him at his latest job at The Palace in a mini skirt and kitten heels in 23-degree weather. Do you even need to ask if he’s team Kanye? You cringe when you see his comments on the rapper’s Instagram posts, but you can’t bear to break his heart and tell him Kanye will not see his comment calling him a god. He feels the need to provide unsolicited explanations of the music industry’s inner workings. You split up after you refuse his request for $600 to pay for his studio session. Your friends will notify you of his hypebeast post on his Instagram story telling people to “forget about your girl and boss up.” It’ll sting for a bit but you’ll be over it faster than his music career lasted.
4. The Woke Bleached Eyebrow Leftist Activist
They let you borrow their copy of “The Communist Manifesto” — which they bought on Amazon. According to them, reading bell hooks changed their life and Angela Davis helped them see their white privilege. After that comment, you do some digging on Instagram and discover that every holiday break they go home to a three-story Victorian home in Greenwich, Connecticut. They break up with you because they found a mesh Forever 21 crop top from 2019 in your closet, because let’s face it: Fast fashion is not it. They conveniently ignore that you were a sophomore in high school at the time of the purchase and that you attended a Title I school, and that mesh crop top was all you could afford. But according to them, we can’t make excuses for our problematic behavior.
3. The Enlightened Study Away Long-Distance Girlfriend
You ask her why she sounds like Bella Hadid all of a sudden and she nonchalantly says with a cigarette in her hand — a habit she picked up abroad — that it’s because her weekend travels affected her accent. “You miss me so much, non?” Despite her entire family being from Hoboken, the phrase “I feel like an Italian at heart” has definitely come out of her mouth. She texts you at 3 a.m. because she can’t seem to remember the time difference or the fact that you’re not in Berlin even though she’s been outside of the United States for the past month. She then begins to complain about how unresponsive and distant you’ve been. You’ll make it about two months into her study away venture before she drops the news that she met someone during spring break: a Spanish babe who loves their mother, salsa dances and cooks a mean fabada. Don’t worry, though. She’ll get her comeuppance when she comes back to the city thinking her new lover will stay faithful only to find they wanted to get with an American.
2. The Daddy’s Money Stern Finance Bro
His name is definitely something like Ryan or Daniel. He charms you and says “I know a place” before taking you to Carbone. Over dinner, he complains about how hard his Algorithmic Trading & Quantitative Strategies class is and how you as an anthropology major wouldn’t understand it. He assures you he’s socially liberal and fiscally conservative so he’s totally cool with you being bisexual. Come the beginning of summer break, he takes you out to Hair of the Dog to have a serious conversation about your future. He orders you a dirty martini even though for the eight months you’ve been seeing each other, you’ve told him you like vodka cranberries. Your Sperry-wearing hunk will let you down gently by telling you he needs space to focus on his entry-level Goldman Sachs internship, but that he hopes you’ll find some direction in life.
1. The Dickies-Wearing Tisch Photography Student
This boy is the biggest Violet heartbreaker of them all. The relationship starts off sweet with him teaching you to do a kickflip on his Antihero skateboard. You feel like his muse for a while. He praises you for the fact that you know any Radiohead song other than “Creep” and you ignore how condescending the compliment is because he’s the spitting image of Timothée Chalamet. He doesn’t understand your joke when you ironically say “Fred: The Movie” is the best film of our generation. In fact, he retells the story to everyone you meet so they too can think you are less intellectual than him. He convinces you that taking pictures with a naked girl on his lap is solely for artistic purposes and accuses you of being unsupportive of his career when you express your discomfort. He takes Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s side in “(500) Days of Summer” and claims that Summer was being selfish and doesn’t understand why she wouldn’t date him. Your relationship ultimately comes to an end after you find out he’s still active on Hinge and has been telling girls he’s Darren Aronofsky’s second cousin to get them to his apartment. This one hurts the most because you thought it would be endgame, but he doesn’t even like that movie. It was for the best though, because he was lying about listening to Mitski and Marina and that should be a felony.
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Disclaimer: I’ve never been on a single date in my entire life. Since I’m a Virgo and we are always right, hopefully this has prepared you for what’s to come.
Of course, these archetypes are merely jokes. Or are they? You know who you Bobcats are. So whether you’re the finance bro or you’ve gotten your heart stomped into a million pieces by one, just remember what my father always told me: Heartbreak builds character. So just dance until your Steve Madden platforms give you blisters on your toes and find your next mistake — I mean soulmate.
Contact Ary Russell at [email protected]