K-pop burn book: Types of K-pop stans

Stanning is a modern art form. It was inevitable that someone was going to get around to critiquing you.

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Manasa Gudavalli

Welcome to Alex and Joey’s K-pop burn book. Feel free to disagree but we stand by our opinions. (Staff Illustration by Manasa Gudavalli)

By Alexandra Chan and Joey Hung

You thought we only reviewed comebacks? Joke’s on you! K-pop burn book is back with a surprise mid-month edition to roast the way you stan. All of these targeted attacks are broken up into categories for your convenience. Once again, it doesn’t matter if you disagree, because our opinions are facts.

Platforms

Twitter stan: What a brave warrior. I would be scared of you, but I don’t think you can fight. Thanks for all the HQ fansite photos! I’m out of iCloud storage.

YouTube stan: You are self-insert y/n assholes in the comment sections wishing you were performing a 1Million choreography in front of your crush in the high school talent show and asking why there isn’t a captive audience behind the cover dancer teams. I know all you want is external validation from your IRLs. You’re not getting it here either! But if you’re an intro video or compilation creator, I love you. Thank you for being the gateway drug to all of my stanning endeavors. 

Facebook stan: Y’all are slow as hell and have no idea what’s going on until it gets on Soompi or Allkpop. I don’t know you, but you radiate incel energy.

VLive stan: How do you wake up at 4 a.m. and have the brain cells to give us commoners subtitled videos at lightspeed??? Thank you. 

Pinterest stan: Give me all the YA fantasy mood boards. You’re adorable. 

Reddit stan: I want to see what y’all look like IRL. Before that, though, kiss some sunlight, babes. Currently thinking about the time I filtered /r/unpopularkpopopinions by “controversial” — I had to lie down and do breathing exercises to recover from all your stupidity. 

Instagram stan: You goblins doomscroll through Tumblr reposts screenshotted from Twitter. I hope you know how embarrassing it is to post some of your content. Your faves don’t have a thicc ass and duality is just getting into character. If you post K-pop news updates, thank you for your service.

Talents

Dance cover stan: There’s a difference between Instagram dancers and YouTube dancers. IYKYK. However fast you think you are, you’ll never be faster than Lisa Rhee. I adore every single one of you sexy bitches.

Vocal cover stan: You are a rare breed in this world and I wish you good luck. Not coincidentally, this is also 101% the same video you used for your SM global audition when you begged your mom to take you there, but didn’t manage to convince her. How does that make you feel?

Auditioner stan: How many companies have rejected you? We don’t have to talk about it. Did you also see the tall, average Asian boy pass all three auditions because he looked acceptable? Pretty privilege is real. 

Brain worms

Solo stans: If you are a solo stan, your fav won’t make it alone. Promise there’s nothing scarier.

Delulu stan: Out of pocket. Get with the program — YOU DON’T KNOW THEM. They know they’re being filmed; they’ve already put on their assigned, curated personas in the car before they took you out to dinner on VLive

Shipper stan: The Venn diagram of shipper stans and homophobia might as well be a circle. Of course they’re affectionately wiping their bandmate’s cheek — they want screen time.

Methods

Hard stans: Haha horny. Bonk. Take yourself to jail if you thirst over teenagers though, thanks. 

Soft stans: They’re not babies. Your faves fuck. See here. Yes, they’re showing off a little chest in their selfie on purpose — they need you to panic and start discourse! 

Collector stan: You’ve got wall-to-wall bookshelves full of albums, posters, banners and card sleeves. What the fuck are you gonna do with 74 cupsleeves from a Mark (disambiguation) birthday event? Sell them as NFTs. You’ll thank me later.

Streaming stan: You have 60 email addresses and went insane six years ago. Joey’s mom is one. Hi, mom! What’s up? Love you!

Can you tell which ones are self-drags? We’ll be back at the end of the month with our regularly scheduled roasts. Let us know what else you’d like to read!

Contact Alexandra Chan at [email protected] and Joey Hung at [email protected]