Friday Farce: Biden converts Oval Office to model train museum

Last Thursday, Vice President Joe Biden upset New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio by likening LaGuardia Airport to a Third World country. “I always get a malaria shot before I fly into LaGuardia. Last time I was there I contracted diphtheria, so I’ve been traveling via train since.” The vice president recently helped Amtrak unveil its new electric locomotive, reaffirming his well-documented and controversial love for train transport.

Anyone who has visited the White House in the past week will have surely noticed the renovations taking place. Last Friday, President Barack Obama traveled to Michigan to sign the recently ratified farm bill, leaving Biden in charge. Biden took this opportunity to begin work on his most ambitious project to date — converting the Oval Office into a model train museum. As soon as the president left the building, Biden got straight to work. After donning his loose fitting denim overalls and conductor hat, as well as taking out his wooden train whistle, he poured himself a hefty glass of scotch. “Let’s get down to business,” Biden shouted through the halls.

Many people wonder what the vice president does when he is not presiding over the Senate. “I have many other duties and responsibilities,” Biden said, “The most important of which is maintaining my model train set.” When the Vice President is not influencing legislation or aiding the president, he can usually be found on the floor of the State Dining Room attending to his prodigious collection. “It’s not just a hobby,” he explained, “It’s a serious academic pursuit.”

“People don’t have any appreciation for rail transport modeling,” Biden said. “I just can’t understand it. What’s not to like about trains?” Since 2009, the vice president has been secretly drafting a solution aimed at reversing the White House’s unfriendly view of trains. After finalizing the blueprints of his plan, Biden only had to wait for the president to step out and hand him the reigns to begin implementing it.

Shortly after arriving in Michigan on Friday, Obama received an emergency update notifying him that the contents of the Oval Office had been relocated to the White House lawn. “Barack has to understand that one room simply can’t accommodate all that furniture in addition to my trains. It can’t be done,” Biden said.

What was once the Oval Office is now a picturesque landscape covered by an intricate layout of railroad tracks. “You’ve got everything here,” Biden gushed. “You’ve got your grassy terrain, rolling hills, Western sagebrush … and just look at that shrubbery.” The press has yet to receive response from the president, but Biden predicts it will be positive. “There might be a war in the Middle East and a fiscal crisis that the president has to worry about. But let me tell you, there’s no problem that can’t be solved by just sitting down on the floor, kicking back and playing with trains.”

Emma Howard is a contributing columnist. Email her at [email protected]

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